realachao

This is a repost from my Tumblr, but I think an actual blog is probably the best place for a lengthy, personal post like this (I barely consider Tumblr a blog anymore).

I’m still not 100% on coming back to posting art, and on top of there really not being any good art site to post on (FA is fine but I know it has its own issues, I just subsist on nostalgia), every single social media platform now seems like a dumpster fire - way more than they already were - that I don’t wanna go back to, so I’m not sure if or when I’m gonna change anything anytime soon. I’m already bad at being social in communities but I super do not know where to turn right now if I wanted to be “present online” again. Way back in the day, Twitter and Tumblr were actually fun, but it’s all long since become stressful and anxiety-inducing. And at this point, it really doesn’t seem like it’s gonna ever improve. Frankly, I do kinda prefer living under a rock anyway, but there’s definitely part of me that still misses the positive and warm interactions I used to have with people online. Unfortunately, I still feel like there’s really no part of the internet anymore where I feel like I belong, or even want to be.

This is all very possibly my gloomy mood at the time of posting and seasonal depression talking, but I really just don’t feel motivated to post, participate, or interact online much anymore. Partly a good thing, I think, because I have a lot of fun working on my website and hanging out in the small web community, away from the centralized web. But I know it’s also partly due to my bad, chronic habit of isolation - because right now I’m not even interacting with said small web community. I’m just talking to my friends on Discord and Telegram, which typically is all I need. But idk, maybe it’s FOMO, maybe it’s just another art angst wave, but I miss having a place to go for art…just not the way it’s been for the past 6 years or so. I wanna be here, for people to know I’m still alive, but at the same time I don’t wanna be here and I don’t want to be perceived at all. This feeling changes constantly.

I don’t know why I’m saying all this and I think I just need to stop thinking about it entirely. Ultimately, the internet is really not important in life and there are countless other things about life that I should focus on. I have a life full of love and precious things, and that is really the most important thing. The fact that I’m an artist who decided to start posting online so many years ago just makes this complicated. Being an artist makes me neurotic, and I’m also just so fucking overwhelmed with the way the world is right now that everything feels like an alien place, online and offline.

And I just care about people too much. I wanna give back to the people who always showed me kindness and support online, just for them to know that they’ve all been remembered and seen and I’m thankful for them. I think that’s why this is such a floundering issue for me. I still think that I’m better off not being an artist online, at least most of the time. But idk. I think I’m just doomed to always have overthinking, neurotic turmoil over stupid shit. Time to stop thinking!

At the very least, art IS starting to be fun again, so there’s that. I absolutely do better when I’m drawing without worrying about perception and opinions. I think the problem arises when I start bringing commissions into the mix…I hate marketing myself, but you have to do that to have any hope of getting clients, so I should either not do comms at all or just not try to rely on it for income. Damn this shit was easier when I was a teenager with no bills drawing people’s fursonas for $30

I've heard about Dreamwidth here and there over the years, and for some reason always assumed it was a site only for writers, and I am not a writer. I guess it never occurred to me that I could use the site as a blog, like an actual blog, not Tumblr or Twitter. And now that I've been spending a lot of time in the indie web, quit being a Twitter artist, and probably will not be going back to social media, I'm hearing lots more people talk about DW, so I decided to join finally!
This entry is more a test than anything so I can get used to the place. So far, though, I really like it here, it's very cozy, and that's huge for me. I want to blog again about random stuff I like, and I already feel like I can do that on DW even though I have no idea what's going on. In any case, thank you for having me. :>